The Anatomy Of A Rejection
A One-Act, Not-Entirely-Serious, Screenplay
I wrote this pretty much in one go after receiving my second rejection of the year during a low week. It’s not meant to be taken seriously, though probably holds some truth about what happens when a writer gets rejected by a literary magazine, an agent, or a book publisher. I hope you enjoy it.
And before anyone comments, I know the formatting is wrong for a screen play, but I couldn’t find a way to make Substack bend to my formatting will, so we will just have to pretend!
INT. WRITING DESK. DAY.
FADE UP
A writer sits at a desk in front of a laptop computer. They are dressed in slippers and mis-matching ‘leisurewear’. Hunched over, glasses slipping down their nose, they scroll online - a rabbit hole of ‘research’ which has led to a clickbait article on ‘why men have nipples’.
A single ping rings out from the computer. An email. The writer clicks to open the message.
EMAIL TEXT
“Thank you for sending us your story to consider. We really appreciate having the chance to read it. Unfortunately…”
The writer closes the email. Sighs. Pauses. Opens it again.
EMAIL TEXT
“…Unfortunately…”
The writer closes the email. Inhales deeply through the nose, and then slowly out of their mouth. They repeat this several times, then open the email again:
EMAIL TEXT
“…Unfortunately…”
The writer closes the email.
Three figures appear around the desk. They all resemble the writer, but something is subtly different, the mood shown in their faces, the way they hold themselves. They look at each other, nod, and then lean in.
COMPASSIONATE VOICE:
Okay, let’s just pause and self-soothe. We’ve been here before, we know that a rejection is not a reflection of you or your writing ability, but only of the writing you have submitted in its current state.
CRITICAL VOICE:
Or, we can just let it all go and admit you’re a born loser with zero writing chops. Simple!
ANGRY VOICE:
Don’t listen to these idiots. Stand up for yourself. Hit that reply button, smack some home truths out of that keyboard about these people. Make sure you use the phrase ‘their loss’. That’ll show them. Then Send and Block.
COMPASSIONATE VOICE:
What, just wait! Rather than give into anger, consider this in the context of what we learn when we get rejected. How that forms the basis for better work through a process of learning and reassessing. Why don’t we discuss that over a nice hot cup of tea?
CRITICAL AND ANGRY VOICES:
Not with the tea again!
COMPASSIONATE VOICE:
At least read the whole email. That’s a positive start.
The writer reopens the email and reads. It is a standard rejection message.
CRITICAL VOICE:
Well that was utterly pointless. You may as well give up now. There’s no point in doing anything. The world’s a bin fire anyway….
ANGRY VOICE (interrupting, pointing at the waste paper bin by the desk):
….Yes! Let’s set fire to THAT …
CRITICAL VOICE:
…and remember what your dad told you, that time when you were a kid and he stood on the car you had spent all that time making from your white and red Lego bricks. And he said it was your fault for playing with them in the wrong place. And that you should learn to stay where you belong? Remember?
Even if it has nothing to do with writing, let’s try to drag this difficult moment into this moment make it even worse, shall we?
ANGRY VOICE:
Talking about breaking stuff, what’s so wrong with throwing that laptop at the wall? Men have nipples, so nothing makes any sense anyway…
COMPASSIONATE VOICE:
Don’t listen to them. You are a good writer, and you have something to say. Lots of people debate over whether to use single or double speechmarks for dialogue. Spending two days on that does not make you a bad person.
CRITICAL VOICE:
Yes, yes it does! Let me prove it Open up your Submissions spreadsheet, find the list of the rejections and add this one to the others. Then sit back and contemplate all that greyed-out boxes. Grey, grey, grey, grey, grey.
COMPASSIONATE VOICE:
Do not do that - find some encouraging memes!
ANGRY VOICE:
If it helps we could start low key, just hurl a cup against the wall and escalate from there…
COMPASSIONATE VOICE:
Remember why you started. That joy as a kid when you had pictures in your mind, and made shapes on a piece of paper that formed words and those words joined up to make a story, to make pictures in someone else’s mind. And just like then, when you write now and it feels good, it all means something, it feels like belonging. So don’t give up on that.
ANGRY VOICE (looking shocked): Wow. I mean, beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye…
CRITICAL VOICE: Me too, me too…Now, let’s delete everything we’ve ever written, stick it all in the bin and crack on with something else. You with me Angry?
ANGRY VOICE: Fuck yeah!
A new figure appears out of the gloom. They look like the writer, but slightly aloof, and far less dishevelled.
EDITOR VOICE: Hey everyone. How’s it all going?
CRITICAL VOICE: Look who’s finally turned up. Always late to the party.
ANGRY VOICE: Not this prick! I mean, I just can’t even…
EDITOR VOICE: I see you’re letting ellipsis do the heavy lifting again Angry. Anyway, what’s the problem, you know, it is kind of my job to come in towards the end.
CRITICAL VOICE: For all the good you do.
EDITOR VOICE: No-one asks me to come in earlier. I would come in earlier. I’d love to be getting in among it earlier. You think I don’t want to be part of the fun bit where the writing gets done, not the bit where it’s like, “let’s tidy up cos all the fun’s stuff’s been done”.
ANGRY VOICE: Such an insufferable, straight-laced, boring…
EDITOR VOICE: Ha! Those ellipses again. Anyway, look, I was just thinking about that thing we wrote, and it occurred to me there was a few bits that could be tweaked. You never know, they might just make it all click. Shall we give it a go?
The writer sits up, pushes their spectacles up their nose, pulls their chair a little to the desk, and begins to search through their writing folder for the correct draft document. The figures around the writer fade into the ether again. There is a long, concentrated silence.
PROCRASTINATION VOICE (off camera, muffled): Hey, sorry to interrupt, I promise I won’t be long this time, but I could really do with finding out where this men having nipples things is going to lead us…have you got five minutes?
FADE OUT
ENDS
This made me laugh, as I sit here, pressing the refresh button on my email, waiting for a competition result to land, or not! 😂
"we could start low key, just hurl a cup against the wall and escalate from there…"
Love it. I'm glad I waited till a drizzly Monday morning with some difficult getting-back-on-the-(writing)-horse vibes to read this, it's just what I needed :-)